Sunday, June 26, 2005
been going through a lot lately. perhaps not so much tangible stuff, but the intangibles have been running havoc on my heart and soul. haha tt sounds so arty farty.
anyhow, hoping that tomorrow will bring with it a new beginning, im feeling very optimistic and probably better than i've felt for awhile. theres just this feeling of liberation and freedom, as if some mysterious weight i've been carrying has just buggered off and decided to leave me be. which is a very good thing... fresh starts always are, arent they =)
but how often can u keep starting again? you cant keep going back to square one, not only is it slightly depressing, but it makes me feel as if perhaps nothings change at all, which is most likely the case, except that my perception has managed to adjust itself to suit and overcome the situation i had found myself stuck in. theres no point climbing out of the quicksand only to remain standing near it, ready to fall in again.
which is why i need God to pull me out of this rut. and i've just been playing a cat and mouse game, kinda like a tug of war between my own ego and God, fighting between what i know i need and what i think i want. its just very confusing, these irreconcilable differences. hope i spelled tt right.
*shrug* this weekend has rejuvenated me, and with no more duty for the next week (i hope, chances are that i could have guard on the weekend.. which would just kill me, especially since we're planning to catch war of the worlds)
heres to the many days ahead, and the rest of my life! *clink*
or so it seems, at 8:38 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
trying to get pass this long week has completely sapped me of energy.. or rather, its the long week that has drained me. at least the weekend is near! tmrw tgif =)
been thinking a lot, but not about anything in particular, just random stuff keeps popping into my mind and keeping me occupied as i ply through the day doing my office duty, which is a mixture of saikang, typing, enjoying aircon, and doing lots of favours for ppl :p
oh well today marks the last duty for me for the month! and yeah i realise the month is almost over.. but it still feels good to know that i'll be more or less 'homefree' for the next week or so.. at least till the next weekend =)
anyhow thats all i have for now, more blogging to be done on the weekend i guess.
or so it seems, at 9:18 PM
Sunday, June 19, 2005
a lot to say but no mood to say it.
simply said eh.
or so it seems, at 8:48 PM
Sunday, June 05, 2005
have a lot of soul searching to do, and many things to reflect on. yep.. its been that kinda day. that kinda week. my life.
maybe i'm too much like seth cohen... everything revolves around myself, the self-absorbed person that is joshua phua tianhui, no space in between. and this being consists of many various states of flux, most notably being that of self-pity, doubt, and disillusionment. at least, thats what you tell yourself when your'e in that state of flux. kinda paradoxical, or at least downright silly. and to be self-aware of such a paradox.. its just lame.
im starting to understand that being tired is not so much a physical or mental thing. but mainly an emotional thing, a spiritual thing. indeed you can be physically tired or mentally tired, but thats nothing a good bath, a good nights rest cant cure. being spiritually tired however, is just crazy. sometimes u wont notice it, like your'e running on the week's adrenalin, or the month's good waves. but how long do good vibes last? how long can u hide from the troubles of your heart, of your spirit. i've been running all my life, its time i take a stand and face my fears, deal with my problems, and with God's grace, put them behind me for good, where they can no longer resurface and trouble me once more.
everytime i face a problem, a temptation, a recurring sin.. instead of turning to God and seeking His help, i turn away. i turn and face my sins alone, as if believing so strongly in my own ability to 'defeat satan' so to speak. and its not possible. the strength i need to deal with all of this is through God, and only through Him will i be able to persevere and fight the good fight, walk the path of righteousness. so many cliches.. =p but i know what i must do, i just pray for the courage to do so.
furthermore.. how do i ever hope to have good stable relationships with my friends if i fail to work on my relationship with God? and even more so the special relationship i so crave with that special girl. haha so sappy eh. but im realising that its so true. the one relationship that i should be focusing my attention on, i've been disregarding completely. and its left me feeling lost and helpless, in a way perhaps only those who have experienced the same can understand. and somehow isnt that all we seek in this world? to be understood. but you have to understand yourself first, if you ever hope to be understood by others. haha if your'e confused at this point dont be worried, so am i. confused that is, not worried. or perhaps a little bit of both... for i fear that i might not be able to walk down the right path. i know that i believe strongly that everything occurs according to the will of God, and that things happen for the best; they happen as they should. but yet i also believe that there are many paths for us to take, and its our choices that determine which path we take. and even though things happen as they should, there are still 'right' and 'wrong' paths. for as long as we have choice, we control our destiny.
and thats enough insight for today. for i'm tired, again. on another sunday when i made the choice to sleep at 3am, even though i knew that i wanted to go to church, which i didnt in the end. even though i already made arrangements, found somebody (thanks joy.. sigh i know im pathetic) to go with.. blargh. sorry to all those i've disappointment and irritated... jac, michy, bevie, stella... all those who have prayed for me and encouraged me. God please grant me the courage to give in to Your will, and submit myself to Your plans. For i cannot do this alone. i just cant. i wasnt made to.
so i look to You...
or so it seems, at 8:16 PM
